In order to up the sex appeal of MCUSA’s pin-up girls, it’s time we show these beauties getting down and dirty with the tools of the trade.
My daily newspaper is one of Britain’s most serious publications. Should you wish to know the precise amount of mortgage debt the banks are currently holding, the numbers will be reported with meticulous accuracy. If you are interested in the political impact the “Tea Party” movement is having on the Republican Party, then some of America’s top political commentators will have written the story.
However, on occasion the news editor clearly gets bored with fiscal analyses and GDP predictions for the British economy, so the paper publishes pseudo-scientific surveys. One of these revealed that, allegedly, 21st century young men are now more interested in chocolate, candy and computer games than girls or fast cars.
Obviously, the social scientists who design these surveys wouldn’t know a bike if it ran over them, so motorcycles were never even included on the list of questions. But even so, what normal 24-year-old bloke would trade an evening with a pretty girl for a Hershey bar?
Perhaps more importantly, who in their right mind would exchange a track day at Willow Springs for any amount of time with some bikini clad beauty? You would have to be certifiably mad to even think of swapping an afternoon on a quick bike for a girl – no matter how attractive.
This got me to thinking about mcusa’s Babes of the Year and what a limited range of attractions these girls seem to have for anyone racing a classic motorcycle. Take Ruthie, for example, who is August’s babe. Just imagine trying to change the gearing after practice and Ruthie leans over the bike to pass the 57 tooth sprocket and concusses you with her chest. How useful would that be?
And then there’s Bianca from May. In all seriousness, how good is a white bikini going to look when it’s covered in chain lube?
Cara is more sensibly dressed in a swimsuit which wouldn’t show oil stains so easily, but I am afraid those high heels are going to have to go. She would never get enough traction to push start any classic bike in those heels – let alone a big single like our Matchless. No, sorry Cara, you need a makeover.
So here are my suggestions to mcusa’s management for a really, really sexy calendar.
Miss January: Susie smiles at the camera while burning the brochures for her summer holiday. Instead of two weeks in Florida she is looking forward to sleeping in the back of a van at the Belgian Classic TT at Gedinne – followed by a trip to MotoGP on the way home because her boyfriend really loves her.
Miss February: Nadine peering at the map with a torch because the Sat Nav can’t find the obscure address of the bloke who is building the new race exhausts.
Miss March: Julie sexily holding an umbrella over the engine, as the rain lashes down, while her partner changes the jets on the Amal GP carburettor during pre-season testing.
Miss April: Elizabeth in a provocatively wet anorak and soaking jeans, clinging to a wind-swept pit wall at the Anglesey race track as hurricane force winds threaten to blow her into the sea.
Miss May: Anne pouts enticingly as she ignores the pain and threads a new 10mm spark plug into a white hot engine before the next practice session.
Note: All girls with tiny fingers should feel privileged to be allowed to undertake this important job even though the subsequent hospital treatment for second degree burns can be painful.
It would be awfully hard to push start a bike while wearing high heels. No, this babe is in need of a makeover!
Miss June: Lynn shows her pert, little 42” bottom to the camera as she push starts a highly erotic Manx Norton at Brands Hatch.
Miss July: Jeanette leans lustfully over the camping stove while preparing a giant fry up for the team.
Miss August: Laura lies across the front seat of the van gazing admiringly at the third place trophy.
Miss September: Jenny arches her back in classic calendar girl style – as she heaves the Matchless G.50 into the back of the trailer.
Miss October: Mel enthusiastically handing over her entire month’s salary check to pay for the bike’s winter re-build.
Miss November: Heather snuggles up before a roaring log fire, sipping her steaming coffee – and works out the cheapest route for an epic, three-week racing trip through Europe.
Miss December: Sarah excitedly un-wraps her Christmas gift: mechanics’ gloves in pink. Now, that’s the true sign of a thoughtful partner.