There is no mountain range too high, no river too deep, no press conference too boring for us to master in order to bring the highest quality information to MCUSA readers - and that includes working on a story while having a tooth filling.
While squirming in the dentist's chair, Mr. Melling found inspiration for a very practical product review as well as advancement of his burgeoning hand modeling career.
The research went like this:
Dr. Murphy: Just lay back and relax. It’s a simple job.
The good doctor blips the throttle five or six times on the drill just to make sure that I’m in the right frame of mind - that is one of abject terror.
Now there’s just a little discomfort, here and here and here and here –
as he jabs a frankfurter sized needle into my gum.
Open wide. There we go. Just a few small pieces to keep everything dry
Hey, Doc, why not use a back-hoe to fill up my mouth with half-a-ton of cotton wadding?
Now we’ll just take the strain…
And in goes the jaw stretching device last seen in action by the Spanish Inquisition. So, little Protestant motorcycle racer, did you really think that the Holy Catholic Church doesn’t speak directly to God and Dorna? Perhaps a few more turns of the jaw expander will help clear your mind…
So there I am, laid back in the chair with three quarts of Lidocaine in my gum, plus the output of a large Alabama cotton farm, and my jaw stretched by the Marquis de Sade’s patented jaw disclocater and Dr. Murphy, being the kind and courteous man that he is, asks:
“How’s the racing going?”
I reply: “Ig gong hate. De hike ib ack fro ibs inter hibild nd a hant ait to hide ib.
Good, good, just relax. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
And just a couple more touches.
How’s that? Good?
Now, truly, you can hardly sit up and say: “Hmm, not too impressed with the drill work Doc. How about a few more revs and a size bigger bit?”
The ultra thin Nitrile gloves mold to the skin, offering more than ample dexterity for those precise shopwork duties.
So, instead, I lay back and I muse on matters diverse. And what I think is that Dr. Murphy not only has full man-sized hands but also the manual dexterity of a fine artist. If you consider the situation, the genius of dentistry is working upside down, guided by a mirror, drilling holes not in a block of alloy but a rather sensitive lump of living flesh. If he is even slightly out the results are likely to be severe.
Having a large hole appear in the side of your cheek is going to be even more discomforting than when I took a Dremel grinder bit through the transfer port of my best friend’s Yamaha race barrels. Come to think of it, seeing the tears roll down my mate’s face, I would have probably preferred a hole in my cheek.
What makes Dr. Murphy’s performance all the more impressive is that he is wearing gloves. Ahh yes. None of the hand washing between patients these days or trusting in their personal hygiene. In the litigious 21st century, disposable cleanliness is the twin sister of absence from court proceedings.
So I observe, with interest, what must be the thinnest protective gloves in the world, gloves so incredibly thin that they could…
And the Angel of the Whining Drill spake unto me. And he sayeth, “Behold, these gloves could be used for the most demanding and delicate of motorcycle related jobs.”
I mentioned my idea to the noble Doctor and, in the interest of the advancement of science and knowledge, he donated a box of his gloves for test purposes.
As things transpired, the Nitrile medical gloves are an American invention and are freely available on the internet from all good medical suppliers. They are very, very clever in a number of ways.
First, they are incredibly, mind-numbingly thin. In fact, they are just 3mm in thickness. The gloves are also very tough and rip resistant. The medical reviewers rate them more highly than the latex gloves they replace and perhaps this is because they mold to the skin through natural body heat. Truly, they feel like a second skin. This skin is also slightly rough, giving good grip on delicate objects.
The Nitrile gloves cost more than the typical throwaway shop gloves, but their extra durability and effectiveness make them worth the still modest addition in price.
I should add a caveat here. The Nitrile medical-spec glove which I tested is the one to have and this is worth noting since Nitrile gloves, like every other product known to personkind, come in various flavors and qualities. The one you want is the medical spec item which is both very sensitive and durable.
In the workshop they will last an afternoon and, although hardly designed to be chemical resistant, will take light immersion in race fuel or contact cleaner spray. In terms of being able to work with small components they are in a class of their own.
The only drawback is that they are about twice the cost of conventional workshop gloves but, because they are at least twice as durable even this really isn’t an issue.
Next month, we will look at open heart surgery and how you can get beautiful young ladies to wipe your brow, and pass open ended spanners, as you work on your engine re-build. Or not.
Note to Editor: Please may we have a Bikini Clad Nurse Mechanic of the Month feature and may I do the research?